I hate receiving gifts. No, really.
The Moral Conundrum of Gift Giving under Capitalism.
“What do you want for Christmas?” is the most hated, anxiety-inducing question every anti-gift-receiving person dreads. No one ever believes us when we say we don’t want anything; they insist they have to get us something, and we can’t go empty-handed on Christmas. So, when we eventually concede, throw a bone, and ask for understated consumable gifts such as soap or food, we are never listened to or taken seriously, and we end up always facing the thing we didn’t want the most: a gift. Oftentimes, multiple gifts.
Now, I get it. I love buying gifts for people. I love planning the lists and wrapping presents or making them, posting them and all the thought that goes into organising personalised ways to tell people I love them and care about them. However, everyone I give gifts to enjoys receiving them, whereas I don’t.
Why Some People Hate Receiving Gifts
I lacked vocabulary for my dislike of gifts when I was younger. Of course, children enjoy receiving toys, but it got to a point when I began receiving things I never wanted or asked for, purely for the sake of the gift-giver saving face, and it made me feel uncomfortable. No matter how little I asked for, I would still get more gifts, even from relatives I hadn’t seen since the Christmas prior, and everything about it felt unbearably disingenuous. From early tween-hood, I realised the vast majority of gift-giving was motivated by a sense of moral obligation not to leave someone out; it was all about saving face rather than genuine love, and I began to resent the hollowness or gift-giving, and over time, I stopped wanting anything at all.
But just because I don’t like receiving gifts doesn’t mean I don’t love giving them, and that’s the conundrum I’m always in. People don’t take me seriously when I say I don’t want anything because they feel guilty when I gift them something and they haven’t given me anything. The only reason they feel this way is because of this obligatory nature of gift-giving that’s been ingrained into our psyche by morally contorted capitalism. Gifts are seen as a tit-for-tat because capitalism is that way: we don’t get anything without earning it or paying for it, so if one receives a gift and doesn’t return the gesture, they feel a degree of guilt and unworthiness on a plane similar to that of stealing.
It’s Not Always a Trauma Response. Some Just Don’t Like Getting Gifts.
Capitalism has taught us we are not worthy to receive without paying in some way, whether with our time, labour or money. It goes against our economic-social system to be a recipient without also being a giver, and anti-gift recipients such as myself are seen as self-hating martyrs who are only saying no due to a crippling sense of unworthiness or as a desperate cry for attention. People often assume a lack of desire to receive gifts indicates unhealed trauma wounds in need of affection, soothing and mending, so they take it upon themselves to heal others’ childhood traumas related to gifting. Sometimes, an inability to receive gifts is due to trauma and childhood abuse, but not always.
There are numerous reasons why a person may not enjoy receiving gifts that are completely unrelated to trauma. For some of us, receiving gifts makes us feel awkward and uncomfortable (receiving a gift makes me feel the same humiliation and unease as being sung “Happy Birthday” to). Oftentimes, there’s nothing we actually want, and some of us don’t have enough space at home for any more stuff.
Also, there’s usually a much less dark and insidious logic behind the anti-gift recipient thought process: most times, it’s because they have very different love languages. Love languages include physical touch, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts and words of affirmation. For anti-gift recipients, gifting is at the bottom of the list, but no one takes the time to learn our love language and instead forces theirs upon them.
People who give gifts but don’t like receiving them aren’t on a power trip. They’re not doing it to look superior. They’re not going to keep track of everything they bought you and hold it against you, nor will they think they’re better than you. The only reason they don’t want gifts is because their love language is different, so ask them how you can make Christmas special according to their love language.
My love language is quality time, so I would rather someone go to a museum with me, play a game with me or meet me up for coffee than buy me a present. Your loved one may adore acts of service, so rather than buying them a gift, you can ask what they may need help with around the house, help them run a few errands, or, if they have children, offer to babysit one night so they can go out. If their love language is words of affirmation, they may really appreciate a hand-written letter or even a poem or personal story.
What to Give When You Love an Anti-Gift Recipient
It must be a hard pill to swallow when you love buying gifts for people and the person you want to buy a gift for doesn’t want anything, but I have these people in my life. I have a cousin and a few friends who never want presents, so when it comes to gifting, I donate money to a charity of their choice in their name as a gesture, and they always appreciate that. However, I do that because I understand their discomfort. The vast majority of people in their lives, like those in mine, don’t enjoy the discomfort of not giving physical gifts, so they refuse to donate to charity in their name, or they do so but then throw in some gifts on top of that.
If your love language is gift-giving and you want to buy something for an anti-gift recipient out of fear your lack of giving looks neglectful or inconsiderate, stop right there. If you really care and love someone, you would respect their answer: if someone doesn’t want anything or they ask you for something small and consumable, listen to them and respect their reply. You may think not buying someone a gift who buys you something makes the relationship unequal, but it doesn’t: what does make a relationship unequal is ignoring someone’s wishes and insisting that their needs and wants aren’t worth acknowledging or abiding by.
Final Thoughts
Very few people say they don’t want anything and then get upset they didn’t receive anything. I’m not saying it never happens, but that tends to be a trope in films or comedy sketches than reality. When someone says they don’t want anything for Christmas, listen to them and respect it, and work on yourself concerning your feelings of guilt when receiving a gift without reciprocating. That says more about your lack of self-worth and relationship with capitalism than it does them, and it’s probably worth exploring rather than bandaging it up with the temporary solution of thrusting a gift on an unwanting recipient.
