Stressed and Alone? It’s Time to Embrace Your Hero Story
So, what if I told you that loneliness is just like being on a quest in an epic fantasy novel and reframing your life as one of a courageous hobbit or elf can transform your mental health? Sounds bizarre? Well, welcome to the coping mechanisms of a neurodivergent; I’m here to help you look at life a little differently.
I’ve spent most of my life doing things alone. I learned from a very young age that if I wanted emotional, physical or practical support, I, more often than not, had to rely on myself. If I were struggling with bullying, no one would comfort me; if my homework was difficult, no one was going to help me; if I had questions about life that I needed guidance on, I’d have to ask Google and pray some randomer on a forum somewhere was sage and stable enough to provide appropriate advice about everything from bodily functions to mental health problems, relationships, and work issues.
As I grew older, this loneliness of doing life alone amplified, and in my thirties, the weight of the burden became immense. I work for myself and live alone; I don’t have any colleagues to say good morning to or go out for drinks with after work. I don’t have a team or teammates; every project, chore, or task is my responsibility to complete and achieve alone. If I fail, the failure is entirely my burden to bear. I study alone and don’t have a cohort. I spend most of my days in complete and utter silence unless I schedule a phone call with someone, but face-to-face in-person interactions aren’t frequent.
I’m an introvert, so this lifestyle doesn’t bother me that much, but some days are harder than others, even when I know the pragmatic answer to all of my issues. When something goes wrong, I can’t just ask someone for help; I must learn how to fix it myself. If I’m struggling emotionally with the stress of everything, I know I just have to suck it up and get the work done because crying about it to myself won’t make the problem go away. I know doing everything alone isn’t even that bad in the grand scheme of things. There are much worse things to go through in life, and the answer to all of my issues lies within myself.
The Loneliness Pandemic
Suck it up, buttercup, pull on your big girl socks and get on with it.
This was the attitude I was raised on, and it got me this far in life. But if I’m being honest, I can see the cracks of burnout starting to form. Yet whenever I looked for advice in the past about struggling to do everything alone, the tips were far too tailored to privileged circumstances. Outsourcing tasks you can no longer do is only an option if you have disposable income; moving back in with your parents is only an option if a) your parents have a house or b) you’re not estranged from your parents or orphaned. Asking for help from people is rarely an option either; when I needed help moving my bookcase from the wall or carrying a sofa down the stairs, no one could help me for various reasons, and I ended up doing them alone.
A lot has changed in the past three years. Society has adjusted majorly to new forms of work and social interaction. However, even though things have become relatively back to normal for many people, social isolation is still steadily increasing.
Who is most likely to be lonely? According to a study by Cigna, young adults are twice as likely to be lonely than seniors, with 79% of adults aged 18 to 24 reporting feeling lonely compared to 41% of seniors aged 66 and older. Additionally, people with lower incomes are lonelier than those with higher incomes. Nearly two-thirds of adults (63%) earning less than $50,000 per year are classified as lonely. Similarly, people from underrepresented racial groups are more likely to be lonely: 75% of Hispanic adults and 68% of Black/African American adults are classified as lonely.
Doing many things alone in life without help is possible but exhausting and clearly has its limits, and I feel like I’ve hit mine. So what happens when you’re in this situation? How do you handle doing everything alone, whether that’s parenting, running a business, studying, or living alone, when you don’t have any options other than to “soldier on”?
How to Embrace the Solo Adventure
It can be easy to want to give up and throw in the towel, but that’s not necessary. Many heroes and heroines in stories across centuries have achieved great things all alone and overcome tremendous hardships using their mental fortitude, determination and resilience. So, turning to the heroes of my favourite books and stories, here are the tips I have garnered from them regarding how to weather the lonely storm:
1. Remember, isolation is a story you tell yourself. Rewrite the story.
When you’re struggling with doing everything yourself, it can feel like things will never change. You can catastrophise about how this will be your reality for all eternity, that no one will ever be there to help you or support you, but the stories we tell ourselves become our reality. Yes, loneliness can sometimes last weeks, months or years, but we control our circumstances. Sometimes, becoming self-sufficient prevents us from asking for help or trusting people, so never lose faith in a future when you are not doing this alone. Don’t stop asking for help, even if no one can right now. There’s nothing more detrimental to one’s mental well-being than losing hope and faith in a better future. Remember: the goal is to have a team one day, but many heroes go through quests and stages in their journey where they have to deal with the demons alone, but that’s not the whole book, just a few chapters, or maybe one book in an epic series.
2. Write about your experiences: It’s a story worth documenting.
This is all to do with reframing loneliness as a quest, and as part of a great adventure, not a sob story you tell yourself and others. When we’re alone, we tend to sit with our thoughts festering in our heads or inappropriately oversharing on social media or with the first person we meet. When you’re at your loneliest and struggling, this is when you can benefit from writing most. It doesn’t have to be just a basic diary entry: the emotions you’re feeling can become part of a fictional character, a chapter in a biography you’ll never publish or a blog post (hello, Medium article). The benefits of journaling are vast: studies have also found that writing in a journal can lead to better sleep, a stronger immune system, more self-confidence and a higher I.Q. The next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed or crying, I recommend writing out everything you’re feeling or even recording your feelings in a voice memo to yourself. Your story is worth saying aloud to yourself; you’re both the protagonist and the audience. Listen or read back what you wrote and then treat your thoughts as a piece of writing — what would you advise your protagonist to do in this situation? You are the author of your life, so treat these hurdles like the plot twists they are and write out the next steps for the journey to continue.
3. Accept the pace of your quest & Become a Protagonist You’re Proud to Be
When you do everything alone, your journey will be longer than those who aren’t. Without the morale or help of teammates on your quest, the journey will be harder, and you won’t progress as quickly, but that doesn’t mean the journey forward is not worth traversing. You will see others achieve things faster than you do or reach heights you won’t be able to without having others pushing you up that mountain, but your story is still as exciting and valid as theirs. Our quests may be less glamorous, slower, messier and much quieter; we may not build memories with other people for a while or forge deep bonds, but we have an advantage: unique access to our inner thoughts and desires. Use the period of isolation on your quest to become the protagonist you’ve dreamed of being. You can grow as a person in unimaginable ways without distractions or negative influences; you can learn who you truly are and build the confidence to be unapologetically yourself, so when you do finally cross paths with someone on your journey, you are confident and proud of the person you bring forth.
