Alone at Christmas? How to handle the holidays without feeling lonely.
Christmas has an uncomfortable magic about it: it’s the only time of year that makes millions of people around the world feel either incredibly wholesome or distressingly empty. Perhaps it’s the rose-tinted Christmas songs and films, the sudden sense of warmth and community which appears out of nowhere between strangers and family members (despite largely being absent the rest of the year), or the glowing joy of generosity and togetherness that bubbles over every social interaction that leaves many feeling every painful absence in their lives all that bit more.
Holidays, especially Christmas, often highlight what’s missing from our lives, whether that’s healthy family connections, friends, financial stability, or romance. The holidays can remind us of past traumas and lost loved ones, which can be even more painful to bear when alone during the season.
I hated Christmas most of my life due to Christmas-related trauma. I hated the fakeness of the holiday, the pseudo-family connections, the consumerism, fighting, and emotional blackmail, and by the time I was nine years into working retail throughout the Christmas holiday season, I was ready to swear off Christmas for life (customers are truly some of the most stomach-churning goblins during the Christmas period).
By my late twenties, I genuinely thought there would never be a moment in my life when I would ever like Christmas, let alone look forward to it. But then, I spent Christmas alone, and everything about the holiday changed. The first Christmas I spent alone was the best Christmas of my life, despite being estranged from my family or any friends in my life at the time. For me, spending Christmas alone was essential for rewriting the script I had about the holiday and the relationship I had with myself and my past.
Holidays alone are hard: they can push people into deep depression, anxiety and sadness, and loneliness is not good for your health. However, if you’re in a situation where you are alone this holiday season, there are alternatives to sinking into that dark, depressive bubble. This holiday does not have to be plagued by your thoughts, traumas, and grief: you can make it a special day with yourself and transform it into a significant milestone in your mental healing and relationship with yourself.
What to do when you’re alone at Christmas
Take advantage of Community Events
One of the biggest lies our brains tell us when we’re alone at Christmas is that we are alone in our suffering. Our minds create all these images of happy families gathered around fires, laughing and cooking together, when in reality, tens, if not possibly hundreds, of people in your local area are alone this Christmas, just like you. The first Christmas I spent alone, I volunteered at a shelter where over two hundred people gathered together. None of us knew one another, but we played board games, told stories, sang songs, and just chatted for hours.
Additionally, every year, two of my local bookshops open for four hours on Christmas day, serving soup and mulled wine. Many people come around to the bookshops either because they’re alone or taking a break from their families and just want a change of scene. For the past few years, I’ve gone to the bookshops myself on Christmas day and met people there, made friends, and then arranged to hang out with them afterwards for longer. If you live in a city, you will have more luck finding places that are open and catering to people, mainly tourists, on Christmas day, from coffee shops to bookshops, but this is harder to do when you’re more isolated. Regardless, your first point of call, if you’re afraid of being alone, is to scope out any possible community events happening in your area: charities will want volunteers, and hospices, hospitals and care homes also often call out for entertainment or company for their residents during the Christmas period.
2. How you grieve is a choice
I’m not a grief counsellor, and I cannot imagine the degree of pain grieving people undergo during the Christmas season. However, what I do know about grief is that how you grieve the loss of someone not present is a choice: you can either feel their absence or celebrate their memory. I grew up witnessing someone grieve Christmas every year, and it made the holiday horrific as a child witnessing it. I dreaded the violent grief that overshadowed the holiday and the trauma that resurfaced year after year, and it never got better for the person grieving.
Every holiday became worse and worse to the point that if it didn’t feel like it was a day of mourning, dramatic, violent outbursts and trauma responses, it didn’t feel like Christmas, and I always felt bad for the person under whose name such a tradition fell. No person wants to die knowing their legacy has left such a hollow, upsetting, and traumatic holiday experience for those they left behind, so if you’re feeling the absence of someone this holiday, include them in your celebration. Read their favourite author, eat their favourite food, watch their favourite film, write them a Christmas card, or even buy yourself a gift from them and dedicate it to their memory. Just because someone is absent from your life at Christmas does not mean you have to feel the pain of their loss; you have the option to include them in your day in some beautiful new and meaningful way that can become a tradition you carry forward for years to come.
3. Celebrate on your terms
Many people still celebrate the holidays the way they were raised to: we believe the way we were raised to celebrate Christmas is the way it should be, and if we hate the holiday, it’s likely because we’ve grown to dislike and resent the traditions we associate with it. Some people go through their entire lives never asking themselves what they would ideally like Christmas to be like. What if Christmas didn’t have any presents or a roast dinner but was a day you spent gaming with a pizza or an epic Chinese buffet? What if Christmas was a season you spent the entire month watching all your favourite films or made it a tradition to bake a different item every day?
What if Christmas day was Lord of the Rings marathon day with macaroni and cheese, or a day where you spent the day reading, painting or writing that book you’ve been putting off for years? You can make the holiday cheer about anything you want in life; you don’t have to follow the festive script handed down by your parents or even society. You can make December about anything you want it to be, it doesn’t have to be about Christmas, but you can use the good vibes to fuel your passion for something else that’s personal and fulfilling to you.
