Mastering Boundaries: How to Say "No" and Not Be “Rude”
Nothing gives me “the ick” more than that feeling I get after I let someone cross my boundaries. Not ever wanting to be “rude” or make someone feel uncomfortable, ashamed or rejected, I said yes to things or accepted behaviours that didn’t make me feel good. From letting men walk me home after a first date when I really didn’t want them to know where I lived and knew I never wanted to see them again to answering work calls outside office hours, agreeing to meet up with “friends” who competed with me and made me feel bad about myself, and overextending my time and emotional energy to others and their problems when I didn’t have the capacity for it.
Many of us, particularly those of us who would identify as people-pleasers, learned early on to be accommodating to other people’s needs and desires at the expense of our own. We will sacrifice our personal space, finances, time, happiness, emotional and mental well-being, and even our physical safety to avoid being “rude” or making someone upset with us because we learned in an early life event that not being accommodating to our own detriment was potentially unsafe. On top of that, some of us live in cultures where being self-sacrificing and overly generous are admirable qualities in both personal and professional spheres, and as such, saying no is not only seen as a social faux-pas but can potentially have dramatic life consequences, particularly in work environments.
If you’re struggling with setting boundaries, laying down expectations and saying no, this article will hopefully put you off the idea of being overly accommodating by highlighting the ugly side of your seemingly harmless “kindheartedness”.
You’re Not Being Rude, But You Are Lying.
The notion that saying “no” is “rude” is a construct established by those in power and upheld by manipulative people who benefit from exploiting people’s social anxieties and desire to be seen as “good”. People who are empathetic to others and strive to be helpful, accommodating and loving don’t feel comfortable behaving in a way that doesn’t reflect their core desire to make others feel seen, heard, accepted and loved, so they will answer their boss’ texts or emails at the weekend or evenings, cancel their own plans to work a shift for a colleague because they felt “guilty” saying no, smile and nod when someone makes a joke that hurts their feelings, or accept an offer for a second date or give over their number to someone they didn’t fancy because they “felt bad”.
If this sounds familiar, I want you to hear this core message. Whilst these behaviours seem nice and accommodating, the “good person” in this situation is not being good at all, though they think they are: they’re actually lying, and lying isn’t a kind thing to do.
In giving someone their number when they don’t like them, they’re lying to the person about their level of interest and investment, which can only result in anger and hurt on the other person’s side. Rejection up front may be painful and embarrassing for the other person, but being led on and let down later has much more lasting damage and is harder to move on from.
In answering their boss’ texts and emails outside of work hours, they’re lying to their loved ones that they value them above their work, and they’re lying to their boss about how much the job means to them. Their loved ones feel neglected, and then their boss will start to feel entitled, so any wavering in the future with time commitments will result in harsher punishments and greater disappointment from the boss.
In laughing at a joke at their expense, they lie to the other person that they find them funny and about how much they like them. Over time, they will feel resentful of the prankster and treat them poorly in a passive-aggressive way, potentially by alienating them or ignoring them as a form of punishment rather than allowing the prankster to apologise and make amends for any wrongdoing they weren’t aware of.
In cancelling their plans to cover a colleague’s shift, they’re lying to their colleague about their personal life and commitments and lying about their eagerness and availability to help another person. The colleague may become reliant on them being always available for switching that shift and become resentful if rejected another date because the person set a false premise that the request was not a big deal.
Sacrificing yourself for the benefit of others may give you a warm and fuzzy feeling of self-validation, but that feeling is only temporary, and whilst people may appreciate your generosity here and there, the long-term effects of your over-accommodating nature and self-sacrifice will be drastically negative, both internally and externally.
When you are dishonest to yourself and others about your needs, desires and comfort, you will build resentment for those around you and yourself, which may result in you trying to chase that warm fuzzy feeling of “I’m a good person” by sacrificing yourself more, only to find yourself in a spiral of self-hatred, exhaustion and misanthropy.
The Slow Erosure of Your Relationships
People who don’t set boundaries do so out of fear of rebuttal, confrontation or causing hurt to others. If you’re someone who doesn’t set boundaries, you do so because you don’t want to see the hurt on their face when you say no, or you don’t want to have someone call you “the bad guy”. When your self-worth is so firmly hooked to the external validation of being “the good guy”, you will do anything and everything to make others see you in a positive light and avoid all potential criticism, but your dishonesty and inauthenticity will cause more damage over time through a slow and painful erosion of the self and your relationships.
Not setting boundaries is a tactic to delay or avoid a negative interaction, but it is not a solution to negativity. Not setting boundaries and never saying no may keep the peace in the moment, but over time, the destruction will be far more severe to both parties and potentially unsalvagable.
You can’t avoid negativity in life, and you can’t avoid letting someone down. Saying no does not make you a bad person, and if the other person treats you as a “bad guy” after you set a boundary, that says more about them and their unkind nature than you. The only people offended and hurt by boundaries are those who reap the benefits of not having any in place, from moochers and freeloaders to controlling and demanding bosses, emotionally manipulative friends and family members and entitled customers or colleagues.
How to Set Boundaries (without sounding rude).
Protecting your time and energy, upholding your needs and wants and living according to your comforts does not make you selfish. Having boundaries differs from never being accommodating, thoughtful or helpful, and respecting yourself does not make you less respectful of others. If you’re scared of setting boundaries out of fear of being rude, here are some things to keep in mind:
If possible, always set boundaries and expectations upfront.
For example, if someone asks if they can “stay at your house for a while”, tell them they are welcome, but be upfront with how long you can host them for, such as, “Absolutely, you are more than welcome to stay at mine. I can host you for three nights if that works for you.”Be direct and honest. Don’t beat around the bush or make excuses.
If you want to say no, just say no. For example, say someone stayed at your house for three nights but they want to stay longer out of want rather than need. You would reply, “I’m really sorry, but as I said, I could only host you for three nights.”Be polite but firm. There is no need to apologise or explain yourself.
Say you’re on a date, and they ask for your number to see you again, but you’re not interested. You could say, “It was really nice meeting you, but I don’t think we’re a good match for each other. I hope you find who you’re looking for; best of luck!”Offer an alternative. If you can’t say yes to a request, offer to do something else instead.
Say you have a colleague who wants to trade shifts with you on a Wednesday, but you have plans with a friend that day. If you can, offer an alternative by saying, “I’m afraid I can’t swap shifts for Wednesday as I have plans. But I can do Monday if that works for you?”Don’t feel guilty. It’s okay to say no. You are not obligated to do anything you don’t want to do.
Most of us are uncomfortable with guilt, but we need to learn how to become more comfortable with it in the short term, as short-term guilt is a much better alternative to long-term resentment, hostile work or home environments or destroyed relationships. Once you start setting boundaries and have positive experiences with people accepting them gracefully, you’ll see there’s nothing to feel guilty about, and you’ll start to recognise the difference between good people who respect your boundaries and manipulative people who have exploited your feelings of guilt and made you fearful of setting boundaries for their gain.Stand your ground. If someone tries to pressure you into something, stand your ground. You have the right to say no.
This is great advice when dealing with a power dynamic, such as a boss. If your boss confronts you about why you didn’t reply to their texts or emails on the weekend or in the evening, just reply, “I prioritise my work during paid work hours, and I prioritise my family/home/hobbies outside work hours. I will always reply to any messages as soon as I can within work hours.”
Final Thoughts
Saying no can be difficult, but it is important to remember that you are not obligated to do anything you don’t want to do. By setting boundaries, you can protect your time and energy and avoid feeling overwhelmed. Whilst you may be frightened of ruining relationships you care about by putting boundaries in place by saying no or expressing your needs and feelings, you’ll actually strengthen those which are healthy and lose those which aren’t.
