I Never Dated Before 26. Here’s Why

Recently, I received a request to talk about being single in your twenties. The message read, “[Please write about] coping with having never been in a relationship in your early 20s, what you should do, is there no hope?” I thought I could be an excellent resource on this because… I didn’t date at all until my late twenties.

And when I say I didn’t date, I mean I didn’t do anything until I was twenty-six. I had no idea what a relationship was like; I’d never slept with someone before, never gone on a date, never held hands with anyone, nothing. 

I was raised in a non-religious household where dating was not an option and was actively discouraged. From a young age, I was told girls who date would abandon their families and neglect their parents, fail their exams, become pregnant, have no future or career and lose the chance of any possibility of success. Additionally, from the age of six upwards, I was told horror stories about statistics about intimate partner violence and stories about how dangerous men were, which not only demonised all men but terrified me from even talking to them.  

Many people from strict households tend to get the opportunity to explore dating when they leave home, either for work or higher education, but sadly, my eating disorder and subsequent hospitalisation the moment I left home hindered my chances of making friends, let alone finding someone who would find me attractive enough to talk to, let alone date.

Whilst it may feel in your early twenties that everyone around you is falling in love and you’ll never find anyone, that’s not the case. As someone who never even came close to falling in love until my thirties, I can say that hope is not lost, and you will find someone if you want to, but when that happens, it will vary. I know many people who got married in their twenties, divorced before their thirties and chose to remain single into their late thirties. I know multiple people who have chosen never to date because they have no interest in it, and I know people who have been together since school or university. 

Why People May Not Date in Their Twenties

Believe it or not, many people don’t date in their twenties, although your social circle and social media may not reflect that. I have more than five friends, all in their thirties, who have chosen never to date for multiple reasons, all of which are personal, private, and valid. But these people are some of the most gorgeous, awesome people I’ve ever met. If they were to put themselves on the dating market, they’d be snapped up and fought over. People choose not to date in their twenties for multiple reasons, including:

• Prioritising work, creative projects, solo travel or education

• Exploring their sexuality or gender identity

• Prioritising their personal growth, freedom and friendships

• Or simply because they don’t have any interest in dating

In my twenties, I fell under two categories: I prioritised my education and academic pursuits, and honestly, I had no interest in dating. I didn’t fancy anyone to the point that I questioned if I were aromantic or asexual because I truly wasn’t interested. However, it’s also important to consider that my twenties were a rough period. I was coming to terms with the extent of the abuse I was subjected to growing up, dealing with various mental health issues as a fallout, struggling to pay my bills on minimum wage retail jobs and getting through my undergraduate and master's degrees. Dating was the last thing on my mind, and I only started at the age of twenty-six due to social pressure to “not end up alone”. I remember not feeling ready or even wanting to date, but I felt embarrassed and ashamed of being a twenty-six-year-old virgin who had never talked to a boy romantically. 

Looking back on it now, I know I shouldn’t have felt any shame or embarrassment in my early thirties. No one cared except for me because no one knew my circumstances except my immediate family. The pressure to “be normal” and have a relationship like everyone else resulted in me saying yes to the first opportunity to be in a relationship even though I knew it wasn’t right for me. 

There is Hope to Find Love at Any Age.

It’s charming how we have such huge expectations of ourselves in our early twenties. It’s fascinating how our brains work at that age; the very idea that not dating at such a young age means our potential for love falls into the category of hopelessness shows how big the mental burden we carry in our youth is. Someone my age, unmarried and living alone without a stable job and still in higher education, must seem horrifying to a young hopeful. 

However, thanks to a lot of self-growth and healing, I found more value in dating in my early thirties than I ever did in my late twenties, and I certainly wouldn’t have trusted my judgement in my early twenties because that girl was a mess. As a thirty-one-year-old who has dealt with all her trauma, I can be a much better partner now than I ever could have been in my twenties, and it wasn’t until my thirties that I became open to giving and receptive to love. 

Here is my advice on being single in your twenties (from a late bloomer)

1. You will meet so many people over the next decade.
   The pool of people you’re around in your early twenties is very different from those you’ll meet in your late twenties and thirties. No one I dated in my thirties was in my life in my twenties: our paths would never have crossed before that point, but I’m grateful to have met them when I did. You have no idea where you’ll end up in the next five to ten years: you may get a job opportunity abroad, move cities, or decide to go on holiday, and all these little things will lead you to meet incredible people who may or may not become romantic interests. The pool you’re in now does not reflect the ocean you’re about to swim through, so don’t force anything to happen; allow life to carry you through and see who comes along.
   

2. You’re not in your prime (sorry to burst your bubble)
   Something many people believe but rarely admit out loud is that they think they need to meet the love of their life now because they’re “in their prime”. I met someone who said they wanted to be married by age twenty-five because she didn’t want to “look like an old lady” in her wedding photos. Chasing after love and hunkering down with someone because you don’t want fine lines in your wedding photos is not a healthy outlook. These superficial motives for finding the love of your life will not result in a happy life because that’s not what love is about. Yes, when you’re younger, you may look more appealing to a wider audience, and you may be more fertile, but you’re going to age, and you need to make sure that the person you’re potentially spending years of your life with makes you happy, and you make them happy. That comes down to you both being mentally secure, happy within yourselves, having shared interests and passions and a love of life; that has nothing to do with how thin and young you’ll look in a wedding dress. Also, on a completely different side note, I much prefer how I look in my thirties than I ever did in my twenties, wrinkles and all.
   

3. Stop defining yourself by your relationship status.
   I get it. We still live in a world where we have bachelors and spinsters. There’s a lot of stigmatisation against single people, particularly women. I love a good romance story, but because I didn’t grow up in a nuclear family and wasn’t exposed to happy couples, I accepted from a young age that there was a huge chance I would end up single for the rest of my life, and I became content with that idea. Don’t get me wrong, it would be wonderful if I spent the rest of my life with the love of my life, but I would also ensure I made myself a wonderful life if that never happened. I see many people wasting their lives by putting them on hold because they’re waiting for someone to complete them. Date yourself and give yourself the wonderful romantic life you want: go to the theatre and cinema alone, go travelling alone, dress up nicely every day to look special for yourself, and dine out alone. Experience life and enjoy it, write that novel, go to those painting and dance classes, start that business, and do whatever you want to live a fulfilling life. You can build such an incredible life alone, and that in itself may attract someone to want to join in with you on it.