I’ve Ruined My Life

Many of us are prone to catastrophic thinking. Every time we say the wrong thing, fail an exam, chicken out of asking that hot person at the coffee shop out on a date, lose money, blow an amazing opportunity, or mess up with a partner, we kick ourselves mentally as we lie awake in bed at night, internally berating ourselves for always ruining everything. We all have a moment when we think to ourselves, ‘I’ve ruined my life.’ this is my story of how I ruined mine. 

It’s coming up to the third year anniversary since I ruined my life. I applied for a PhD, and everything in my life has fallen apart since then. I ended my long-term romantic and professional relationships over a lack of support for my decision. Because I’m not funded, I had to find a way to make a full-time income as a single person whilst also studying, which resulted in me becoming a full-time YouTuber. The money isn’t great. In just ten months, I lost over a quarter of my savings. I don’t even live paycheck to paycheck; I live paycheck to paycheck plus savings.  

I also learned the hard way that many people aren’t very supportive when you start a PhD. Some people get competitive and jealous and even go so far as to try and sabotage you, whilst others don’t take your time seriously and presume working from home means you’re free all the time and don’t really have to work. I saw firsthand how few people respected that I worked for myself and took me less seriously now, I was my own boss rather than a freelancer working for someone else. And don’t get me started on how few people in the dating world respect your time and work as a self-employed PhD student. 

On paper, I’ve ruined my life. I have less money, like stupidly much less money, my savings have gone, I have much less time, fewer people in my life, no academic cohort, and a practically non-existent social life, all for a personal academic pursuit which I’m blowing my own savings on, that will never give the financial return I invested in it and offers zero job prospects… and I have never been happier. 

Hello Boundaries, My New Friend

I spent nearly three decades as a people-pleasing doormat with no boundaries. I put my heart and soul into helping other people succeed in their businesses, mental health, academia and personal growth at the expense of myself. I stayed in the shadow of abusive relationships; I kept myself small to make other people feel better about themselves and comfortable around me; I hid my personality, diminished my abilities and accomplishments, withheld my feelings when hurt, and put up with other people’s bad behaviours because I wanted to help them feel better about themselves at the cost of my own mental wellbeing, time and self-esteem. 

When I ruined my life, I decided to put myself and my dreams first. I set hard boundaries and removed myself from people who brought negativity into my life and hurt my mental well-being. I’m not going to sit here and say the past three years have been the hardest and most challenging of my life because they haven’t; I’ve gone through so much worse. But I can say that the past three years have been the most necessary and transformative of my life, and I’m so happy they happened. 

I feel fantastic. My mental health has never felt this incredible, nor has my body. The relationships I have in my life, be they platonic, familial, or romantic, are the greatest I’ve ever had, and I love having those people in my life. I no longer struggle with the crippling depression and anxiety that haunted me my whole life, and I didn’t have to take anything to make it go away. All I had to do was be my truest, most authentic self, live the life I wanted, stand up for myself and finally see the value I have to offer this world and protect it at all costs.

The PhD Journey involves a Personal Evolution

My PhD journey so far has been minimally about what I’ve researched: I feel like academia has taken a backseat the first formal year so I could cleanse myself and declutter everything holding me back, from mindsets to people and bad habits. Everyone tells you that your PhD journey has little to do with what you write and more to do with who you become as a researcher, and so far, I can’t disagree. I’m about to start my second year, and I’m so different from who I was two years ago; it’s quite unnerving.

Do I still feel stressed and worried about things like money or my work and studies? Of course, but my emotions no longer debilitate me. I may not be rich or have the perfect little minimalist apartment with a pretty morning routine and a coffee machine so clean it looks like it came straight out of the box. I boil the water for my tea in an old pan on the stove. I don’t drink loose-leaf tea filtered in a glass teapot; I reuse teabags twice. 

I’m not the quintessential obsessive student who studies every waking moment. I love academia, but I’m so grateful my life doesn’t revolve around it, and it’s not all-consuming. I do it when I want to: I work at my own pace, so however many hours I feel I can manage, and stop when it’s no longer enjoyable. I don’t need to prove my intelligence or academic potential: I don’t have to prove anything to anyone because I believe in my ability, as does my supervisor. We’re the only ones who matter in that part of my story. 

Yes, this is my story. It’s not perfect. It’s not minimalist or super-tidy; it’s not run militantly with every minute of every hour scheduled in a calendar, and it’s certainly not financially stable, but you know what? It’s rich with so much more. It’s rich with incredible relationships and love, books, little nuggets of information, laughter, growth and inner peace. 

According to the productivity world, I’ve ruined my life; but I’m an ancient history student, I’m in love with ruins, and I’m in love with the ruins of my life.

Less Hustle, More Progress.

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